Newborn Sleep: So Many Opinions, So What Are Parents Supposed to Do?

Understanding what is normal, exploring different sleep philosophies, and helping parents find what works for their own family

If you have a newborn, you have probably already discovered that there are about a million opinions about baby sleep.

One person says, “Never let your baby cry.”

Someone else says, “You need to give your baby a chance to learn how to settle.”

One book says to hold your baby for every nap. Another says to put your baby down awake.

One philosophy encourages following your baby’s cues. Another emphasizes routines and predictable schedules.

And then there is the internet.

No wonder parents can feel completely overwhelmed and wonder, “So what are we actually supposed to do?”

The truth is, there isn’t one single philosophy that every family has to follow. There are different ways of thinking about newborn sleep, and understanding what those approaches are actually trying to accomplish can help you decide what feels right for your baby and your family.

First, Let’s Talk About What Is Normal

Newborn sleep is immature.

A newborn doesn’t come into the world with the same sleep patterns that an older baby or adult has. Their circadian rhythm is still developing, their sleep cycles are short, and they often move between lighter and deeper sleep throughout the day and night.

That can mean a newborn may sleep beautifully for one nap and then only sleep for 20 minutes the next time.

They may sleep longer at night but want to catnap all day.

They may fall asleep in your arms but wake as soon as you try to put them down.

They may grunt, wiggle, make little noises, briefly open their eyes, or fuss between sleep cycles without actually being fully awake.

And yes, some newborns simply love being held for naps.

That doesn’t automatically mean something is wrong.

In fact, many parents really enjoy this stage. There is something incredibly sweet about having your newborn asleep on your chest while you sit together and just soak them in.

And if that is working for your family right now, you don’t necessarily have to “fix” it simply because someone says your baby needs to learn to sleep independently.

At the same time, something can be completely normal and still eventually become difficult to sustain.

A parent may love contact naps now but know that in a few months they will be returning to work and won’t be able to hold the baby for every nap.

That’s where understanding the different approaches to sleep can be helpful.

What I See With Families in the Postpartum Period

This is something I see over and over again as a postpartum doula.

Parents often come into those first weeks expecting their baby to sleep more consistently than newborns actually do. They may think, “She slept for an hour and a half yesterday, so why is she only sleeping for 25 minutes today?”

Or their baby may sleep beautifully on them but wake every time they try to put the baby down.

And when their newborn spends much of the day catnapping on them, I sometimes hear the concern that they must be doing something wrong.

They aren’t.

One of the things I love about postpartum support is helping parents understand the little nuances of newborn behavior that aren’t always explained before the baby arrives. A newborn who takes short, fragmented naps during the day can still be a perfectly normal newborn. Sleep in these early months is often much less predictable than parents expect.

As I support a family, I’m not just looking at the baby and trying to make the baby sleep.

I’m paying attention to the baby’s feeding patterns, cues, temperament and ways of communicating. I’m watching how the baby responds to different ways of soothing and settling.

I’m also paying attention to the parents: how they’re coping, how they’re caring for their baby, how they’re bonding, where they feel confident, and where they may need a little more reassurance or support.

Every family is different.

Some parents are naturally very relaxed. Others feel much more comfortable when they understand what is happening and have a plan. Some babies settle easily with very little help, while others need a lot of holding, movement, feeding or soothing.

I take all of that into account.

My role isn’t to come into someone’s home with one philosophy and tell them, “This is how you need to do it.”

It’s to educate them about newborns, help them understand what they’re seeing, demonstrate different ways of caring for and soothing their baby, provide reassurance when something is actually normal, and provide resources when something needs more attention.

And just as importantly, I want parents to become more confident in caring for their baby.

I want them to begin recognizing their baby’s cues, understanding what their baby may be communicating and, over time, learning to trust themselves.

Because ultimately, I’m not trying to create parents who need me to tell them what to do every time their baby makes a sound.

I’m trying to help them become parents who feel comfortable saying, “I know my baby.”

Rest Matters Too

There is another part of this that I think sometimes gets lost when we talk about newborn sleep.

Yes, your baby’s needs matter.

But your rest matters too.

If your baby wants to contact nap all day and you genuinely love sitting there holding your baby, wonderful.

But if you’re exhausted, you don’t have to spend every waking hour holding your baby just because contact is comforting to them.

This is where taking turns can be so helpful.

Maybe one parent gets some uninterrupted time to shower, eat, take a walk or simply lie down while the other parent has the baby.

Maybe you put the baby down and see what happens.

Maybe you hold the baby and enjoy the nap.

Maybe you do a little of both.

There is no prize for being completely depleted.

Part of caring for a newborn is also caring for the people caring for that newborn.

As a postpartum doula, I want parents to have opportunities to recharge while I care for their baby, but I also want to help them understand that taking a break from their baby doesn’t mean they’re missing out on bonding or doing something wrong.

Sometimes getting a little rest is exactly what allows you to come back to your baby feeling more present, patient and connected.

There Is More Than One Philosophy

One approach you will hear a lot about is responsive or nurturing parenting.

This philosophy places a strong emphasis on responding to a baby’s cues and providing comfort, connection and physical closeness. The idea isn’t simply about sleep. It is about the relationship you are building with your baby from the very beginning.

Dr. Greer Kirshenbaum, a neuroscientist and author of The Nurture Revolution, is one person who has written extensively about this perspective. Her work emphasizes the importance of nurturing experiences during the early years and challenges the idea that babies need to be pushed toward independence through things like crying alone or sleeping separately.

Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child also talks about what it calls “serve and return.” These are the back-and-forth interactions between babies and their caregivers. A baby cries, looks at you, smiles, makes a sound or reaches for you, and the adult responds.

These responsive interactions are an important part of healthy early development and help build the foundation for brain development and emotional and social skills.

That doesn’t mean a parent has to jump up and respond to every single sound a baby makes.

A responsive parent is still observing.

Is my baby actually awake?

Is she hungry?

Is she uncomfortable?

Is she just making noise in her sleep?

Is she trying to settle herself?

Sometimes the most responsive thing you can do is watch for a moment before deciding what your baby needs.  

Responsive parenting is not about being glued to your baby every second. It’s about being attentive to your baby’s signals and responding appropriately over time.

Then There Are Approaches Like Moms on Call

Moms on Call takes a more structured approach to newborn and infant sleep.

Their philosophy emphasizes predictable routines, sleep environments, schedules and giving babies opportunities to settle. They also use what they call “Practice the Pause.”

For babies under 12 weeks, Moms on Call recommends waiting a few minutes when a baby wakes or fusses before intervening. Their explanation is that the pause allows parents to determine whether the baby is actually awake, whether they need feeding or soothing, and whether they might go back to sleep on their own.

Their longer sleep guide similarly describes routines, soothing rounds and opportunities for babies to settle themselves.

For babies 2–12 weeks, they recommend practicing the pause and then checking things such as the swaddle, shushing, rubbing the belly or offering a pacifier if the baby doesn’t settle. As babies get older, they recommend gradually giving them more opportunity to settle independently.

So when people say, “Moms on Call lets babies cry,” that’s actually an oversimplification.

Their approach does involve allowing some fussing or crying for a period of time, but it is part of a larger structured method. And Moms on Call itself does not describe what it does as simply leaving a baby to cry indefinitely.

The underlying philosophy is different from a highly responsive, contact-oriented approach, though.

It places more emphasis on predictability, routine and giving the baby opportunities to learn to settle.

But Does Letting a Baby Cry Cause Emotional Problems Later?

This is where the conversation can get confusing, because you will find very strong opinions on both sides.

There have been studies looking at behavioral sleep interventions in infants, including approaches involving graduated extinction or other methods that give babies opportunities to settle with less immediate parental intervention.

One randomized controlled trial published in Pediatrics followed 43 infants between 6 and 16 months who participated in either graduated extinction, bedtime fading or a sleep education control. At the 12-month follow-up, researchers did not find significant differences between groups in emotional or behavioral problems or in secure versus insecure attachment.

Another study followed children for five years after a behavioral sleep intervention delivered when they were around 8–10 months old. At age 6, researchers did not find evidence of differences in child emotional or behavioral outcomes, the parent-child relationship or maternal outcomes.

So far, these studies have not shown the long-term emotional or attachment problems that some people fear from behavioral sleep interventions.

But there is an important part of that sentence that shouldn’t be skipped:

These studies were not conducted on newborns, and they were not studies of the entire Moms on Call program.

The 2016 study involved infants 6–16 months old. The five-year study involved babies who were around 8–10 months old when the intervention was provided.

So I wouldn’t take those studies and say, “See? Crying is always harmless.”

That’s not what the research tells us.

But I also wouldn’t tell parents that allowing a baby to fuss briefly during a sleep intervention has been shown to cause attachment problems or emotional damage later.

The research simply doesn’t support that conclusion either.

And Then There Is the Science of Nurturing

This is where I think the conversation becomes much more interesting.

There is strong developmental science showing that babies benefit from responsive relationships.

Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child describes responsive back-and-forth interactions as an important part of healthy brain development. When babies make sounds, gesture, look at us or cry and caring adults respond, those interactions help build and strengthen developing neural connections.

That is very different from saying:

“If your baby cries for three minutes, you have damaged their brain.”

We don’t have evidence that supports that statement.

The research is really talking about the overall environment of relationships a baby experiences.

Does my baby have caregivers who know me, respond to me, comfort me, talk to me, hold me, feed me, look into my eyes and help me when I am overwhelmed?

That is the bigger picture.

And babies don’t need perfect parents.

They need loving, responsive relationships over and over again.

So What About Crying?

I think this is one of the places where parents can get unnecessarily frightened.

Crying is communication.

Sometimes a baby is crying because they are hungry.

Sometimes they’re uncomfortable.

Sometimes they’re overtired.

Sometimes they need to be held.

Sometimes they are frustrated.

Sometimes they are transitioning between sleep cycles.

And sometimes we honestly don’t know exactly why they’re crying.

The important question isn’t necessarily, “Did my baby cry?”

The better question is: “How am I responding to my baby over time?”

There is a big difference between intentionally ignoring a distressed baby for long periods and taking a moment to observe because you’re trying to determine whether your baby is actually awake.

There is also a difference between allowing an older infant an opportunity to settle and expecting a brand-new newborn to independently manage sleep.

Age and development matter.

This Is Where Gentle Sleep Shaping Comes In

This is the approach I personally like to use with newborns.

I don’t think newborns need to be taught to “sleep independently” in the same way an older baby may eventually learn to settle more independently.

Instead, I like to think of it as gently shaping healthy sleep habits while respecting where the baby is developmentally.

That can mean watching for sleepy cues before a baby becomes overtired.

It can mean helping a baby recognize the difference between day and night.

It can mean creating a calm sleep environment.

It can mean giving a baby a chance to settle when they are already calm and drowsy.

It can mean rocking, holding, feeding, swaddling, using white noise or whatever combination of soothing works for that particular baby.

And yes, it can absolutely mean contact naps.

If your newborn falls asleep peacefully on your chest and you are enjoying that time together, there is nothing about that moment that needs to make you feel guilty.

You can enjoy your baby and gently introduce other ways of sleeping when you are ready.

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

Normal Doesn’t Always Mean Sustainable

This is something I think gets lost in a lot of newborn sleep conversations.

A sleep behavior can be completely normal and still become difficult for a family later.

A baby who wants to be held for every nap isn’t “bad at sleeping.”

A parent who doesn’t want to hold the baby for every nap forever isn’t doing anything wrong either.

Maybe contact naps are exactly what your family wants right now.

Maybe you want to start practicing some crib naps.

Maybe you want a combination.

Maybe your baby naturally starts sleeping longer stretches without you doing anything.

Maybe your baby needs more help.

There is room for all of those things.

And sometimes the right choice changes as your baby changes.

Helping Parents Find What Works for Their Family

This is really the heart of postpartum support for me.

I don’t want to hand a new parent a rigid set of rules and tell them this is the way they need to parent.

I want to give them information.

I want them to understand their newborn.

I want them to know what is biologically normal, what their baby may be communicating, what their options are and why they might choose one approach over another.

Then I want to help them find their own way.

Because your parenting style doesn’t have to come from a book, an app, a schedule or another parent’s Instagram post.

It can develop through knowing your baby, understanding yourself and figuring out what works for your family.

Sometimes that means following your baby’s cues.

Sometimes it means creating a little more structure.

Sometimes it means holding your baby for a nap.

Sometimes it means putting your baby down and seeing if they can settle.

Sometimes it means taking turns so everyone gets a chance to rest.

And sometimes it means changing your approach because what worked last week isn’t working this week.

My job as a postpartum doula isn’t to make those decisions for you.

It’s to walk alongside you, help you understand what you’re seeing, teach you about your newborn, offer reassurance and resources when you need them, and help you become more confident in your own ability to care for your baby.

Because ultimately, I’m not trying to create parents who need me to tell them what to do every time their baby makes a sound.

I’m trying to help them become parents who feel comfortable saying:

“I know my baby. I understand what she’s telling me. And I trust myself to respond.”

So What Are Parents Actually Supposed to Do?

Honestly?

Learn your baby.

Learn what is normal for their age.

Pay attention to their cues.

Understand why you’re choosing the things you’re choosing rather than simply following someone else’s schedule because you’re afraid you’re doing something wrong.

If a particular routine brings your family peace and works well for your baby, that’s valuable.

If holding your baby for naps feels wonderful right now, enjoy it.

If you want to gently practice putting your baby down, you can do that too.

If your baby fusses for a moment while you’re figuring out whether they’re actually awake, that doesn’t mean you’ve harmed your baby.

And if your baby needs you, you can go to your baby.

There isn’t a parenting prize for making your newborn sleep independently the earliest.

And there isn’t a parenting prize for responding in exactly the same way every single time.

Your baby is growing and changing every day, and so are you.

The goal isn’t to find the one sleep philosophy that everyone agrees is right.

The goal is to understand the different philosophies, understand what the research actually does and does not tell us, and then decide what fits your baby, your family and your values.

You don’t have to get every moment right.

You’re building a relationship with your baby over thousands of little moments.

And I’m here alongside you while you figure it out.

Sources & Further Reading

Research on infant sleep is still evolving, and studies don’t answer every question about every sleep philosophy or every age.

The behavioral sleep studies discussed above involved older infants, not newborns, and studied specific interventions rather than the entire Moms on Call program.

Likewise, research supporting responsive caregiving does not mean that every brief period of infant fussing is harmful.

The resources below are included so parents can explore the different perspectives for themselves.

Greer Kirshenbaum, PhD — The Nurture Revolution

Kirshenbaum’s book explores the neuroscience and developmental reasoning behind nurturing care, including her perspective on crying, sleep, attachment and early brain development.

Harvard Center on the Developing Child — Serve and Return

An accessible explanation of responsive relationships and how back-and-forth interactions support early development.

Harvard Center on the Developing Child — Three Principles to Improve Outcomes for Children and Families

Explains the role of responsive relationships in healthy brain development and buffering stress.

Moms on Call — “Not Another Cry It Out Method”

Moms on Call explains its “Practice the Pause” approach and how it differs from what they describe as traditional cry-it-out.

Moms on Call — “How to Get My Baby to Sleep Through the Night”

A detailed explanation of their routines, sleep method, soothing rounds and approach to encouraging longer stretches of sleep.

Gradisar et al., Pediatrics (2016) — Behavioral Interventions for Infant Sleep Problems

A randomized controlled trial examining behavioral sleep interventions in infants 6–16 months old and later emotional, behavioral and attachment outcomes.

Price et al., Pediatrics (2012) — Five-Year Follow-up of Harms and Benefits of Behavioral Infant Sleep Intervention

A five-year follow-up of a behavioral sleep intervention delivered when infants were approximately 8–10 months old.